Riding The Grief Rollercoaster....

New Site

2006-10-28T19:21:00.000+11:00

Go to my new blog site...

www.griefrollercoaster.wordpress.com

Sad...

2006-10-16T20:02:00.000+11:00

The past 3 weeks have brought such sadness to my heart for those poor families who I have read death notices for in the paper for their stillborn children. 3 in 3 weeks (that were printed) is such a sad thing. Those poor families nightmares have just begun when I feel like we are slowly learning how to live without Luke in the physical world. True life stories have been brought to my attention about friends of friends (that I haven't met) drinking and smoking as much the same as they used to during the early stages of their pregnancy. I asked my friend to give me her friends phone number so that I could ring her to give her my say on how precious that tiny baby is that she is carrying and what life is like when that is taken away from you. My other dear friend is now having to stay in hospital to wait for their 3rd child to be born after a scare at 25 weeks. They lost their 2nd child at 25 weeks this time last year and I feel for her not being able to visit the cemetery on his birthday due to being bed ridden to save this baby. Life can be so cruel and I am a tad on the same side as my friend M who says if their is a god out there he certainly works in mysterious ways. Things are going really well for me personally except for work, hate it. I just want to be at home playing with my little boy not putting up with fkng office politics and men who have no respect for women. Little Gizzy (our girl Jack Russell) had her drain and stitches out tonight from her operation done 10 days ago, poor little darl. It's hard not being able to explain to them what you are doing and why. Oh well my exciting life is telling me it is time to go and see who is going to get kicked off Aus Idol.....sad I know. Take care xx

Time..

2006-09-15T15:57:00.000+10:00

Well I have finally agreed with the experts that time does heal. I have been involving myself with friends children more and more and it's not hard at all anymore. Yes it is hard watching the bond between mother and child knowing what I am missing out on but I realise that it is not their fault and that they are so lucky. No one will ever truly understand how I hurt and how I ache to have my son in our lives but you just learn to live with that intense hurt. I am so pleased that my MIL has recovered from her stroke so well and that she has agreed to move closer to us so that we can spend more time with her and help her out. Let's hope that this is our last real challenge for a while and life can start taking a happy path with positive things ahead. Lord knows we deserve it. I think if D & I can survive our first few years of marriage with all of this stress and hurt we should be able to build a strong bond that will last forever. That would be super. I only want the simple things in life - love, family, happiness, friends and good health - shouldn't be too much to ask really.

What a week...

2006-09-08T15:28:00.000+10:00

What a yucky week it's been.... just when you think things are back on track all of these horrible things happen in the world to make you have another reality check.
First of all Steve Irwin killed by a damn sting ray of all things.... then I just heard on the radio and double checked on the web that Peter Brock has been killed in a rally car.... two great guys killed doing things they love I guess......but even closer to home, my dear MIL had a stroke yesterday morning at our house and is now in the special stroke unit at the local hospital. We hope that she will make a full recovery with the necessary treatment and drugs. Lots of wine needed this week, I even managed to squeeze one in at lunch time with a friend! Bring on next week I say.

Survived another one...

2006-09-04T10:19:00.000+10:00

Well we have now survived 2 Mother's Days and 2 Father's Days. I must admit this year it was still really hard and the emotion is still there but the days aren't as hard as the 1st year. I guess in reality it is just another day without our son and you get used to the sadness in our hearts that is continuously there. D was ok yesterday, a few tears when he opened his present and card but then he seemed to travel ok during the rest of the day. We gardened all day Saturday and we had a lovely time planting 104 plants in our new front yard with the little doggies (our 2 Jack Russells) running around and getting in the way. The only thing missing in the picture was our little boy running around in his gumboots getting really muddy having fun. These little things are the things I guess other parents (not all - just some) take for granted. If only they could feel our pain and loss for just one day they would treasure their children so much more. Hopefully we will get to experience these things in the near future and I hope everyone else who has lost children survived their Father's Day ok yesterday too.

Thank you..

2006-09-01T09:35:00.000+10:00

I want to say thank you to Shazz... you are my only comment leaver and I have never met you before. It means a lot to me that you take time to leave kind messages. It is so nice to know that people take time to read my blog and leave a comment for me. Please leave your blog details so that I can find out more about you. Thanks for being my blog friend xx Thinking of you this Fathers Day also.

What the?....

2006-08-31T08:23:00.000+10:00

Why on earth do things happen the way they do. Why do we need to be the ones that suffer while others cruise through life without a heartache in the world. This suffering changes you as a person. I know I'm not the same person I was 16 months ago. I don't like who I am much anymore and I find my friends have backed off a lot too so maybe they feel the same way too. Sometimes I feel normal, other times I feel like I am on the outside looking in on the world and everything that is around me. I say dumb inappropriate things to people that I care about. My dear friend M is suffering another shocking blow and my heart is aching for her. Enough already, we just want to be mums. Not too much to ask really when you look at all of the other mums walking the streets with their prams taking for granted what precious experiences they are living. I put my foot in it with another friend at work yesterday, she is 26 weeks, I asked her how she was going etc etc and she said great, had all of the scans now, blah blah, and good old Cindy pipes up and says "I'd have more if I were you, I wish I had more, Luke was fine at our 18 week scan and look what happed to us".... poor V, the look on her face. I apologised and said that I am sure everything will be ok for her and that I am just paranoid now. Then the other night my friend M, who's heart was breaking and was commenting on how old and crusty she was getting and good old Cindy strikes again and says "you're not crusty"....I am on a role this week. No wonder my friend count is dwindling. I am just such a different person now. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be happy, easy going Cindy again. We went to Sydney on the weekend and had a lovely time away, crammed in as much shopping, touring as we could in the two days. Another blow to us though, call from R who was looking after the dogs while we were away - ummm, house has been broken into. OMG, give us a break. Nothing been taken or disturbed but just the thought of someone entering our house while we were so far away is horrible. We just wanted to hop on the first plane home. At least nothing valuable was taken. Not looking forward to this Sunday much, D should be experiencing a happy fathers day playing with our son who has helped me make home-made presents, but instead he has to suffer another sad day without his dad or his son. Life can be so cruel. I hope to see him smile again soon.

Strength

2006-07-27T14:05:00.000+10:00

Just wanted to post how happy I am for my dear friend who is about to start another journey in life. I am so scared for them, happy for them, proud of them and also envious of their strength to try again. I would love to try again some days and then other days I feel so guilty for even thinking about trying as I feel like I am letting Luke down by wanting another baby. I would love to bring him back and be enjoying our son like most of our friends are, but that can never happen worse luck, so what do we do... Have had a lovely week without stress, anger and frustration involved. Bring on more weeks like these. I just wish that D & I had the strength to move forward and become parents to a living child that we can give double cuddles and kisses to, one for them and one for their brother in heaven.

Friends

2006-07-24T08:27:00.000+10:00

I have been so up and down over the past few weeks. From so low that I think why on earth am I still wanting to be alive and bring on my next life to... how thankful I am to have a lovely husband, wonderful family and friends who all love me in return. I guess this is the roller coaster I am on that I have named my blog after. I had a lovely night out with friends last weekend, a quiet dinner, wine and a few laughs which is always a good fix for me. Then this weekend my best friend Karen came up for the night and we went shopping for 6 hours, then we spent the night chatting, drinking and even squeezed in a sing and dance. I always feel much better after a "Karen" fix. I also rang my friend that had her little boy two weeks ago yesterday afternoon, it wasn't as bad as I expected. I must be getting a little braver every day. It is so hard though, we just want to be experiencing what they are with our son. I would like to try again for our next child soon, I deserve to be a mum and I can't wait to see D being the wonderful father I know he will be. We were both so ready to be proud parents and both so robbed when we lost Luke. We will never get over losing him and we are blessed that we had the chance to meet him but feel that it would help us heal by filling our empty arms with Luke's little brother or sister.

Long time no blog...

2006-07-12T13:41:00.000+10:00

A couple of friends have said they were worried that I haven't blogged for so long.... so here I am. There are a couple of reasons why I haven't blogged for a while, the first being, I have been working so many hours and a lot of them out of the office so by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is turn on my computer and the second reason is that I am sick of being flat and writing sad things about how low I am feeling. I just want to be normal Cindy again.... where has she gone!! Friends, who we were very close to until Luke died, just had a baby boy which is another kick in the guts for me too. Are there no girl babies anymore? Far out it is just like everyone else gets a boy but sucked in Drew & Cindy, you get to carry your boy for 42 weeks and give birth to him, but you don't get to keep him and now you have to be around and face everyone else enjoying theirs. It's not that I am unhappy for our friends, it's just not fair for us, never will be. The other day at the cemetery I just stared at his plaque and then said "Ok, I've had enough of you being here now, it's time you come home with me." If only! This grieving your little child is so cruel and no matter what people say - it doesn't get easier! I feel like it is getting harder some days. I just miss our little boy so much.

Limbo Land..

2006-06-20T14:06:00.000+10:00

Well it's been a while since I have posted a blog. I really don't have too much exciting to report. Things have been going ok for me over the past couple of weeks. Emotionally I am still up and down and everynow and then tears come from nowhere. I just miss our little boy so much and I know that will never go away. I would do anything to have him back healthy with us. It was D's birthday last week and we both got upset that night when he was undoing his presents as there should've been our little boy on the ground with us tearing at the paper with his daddy and blowing out birthday candles. It will never ever be fair. So many things people take for granted that we would give anything to experience the same. People say that it gets easier, bring it on, this is too hard!

Great friends...

2006-06-01T08:53:00.000+10:00

Even though comments are rarely left on my blog, a few friends let me know that they do read it to see how we are going emotionally, they say it is an easy way to check up on us without having to continually ask how we are. It must be really hard to sit by DH (dear husband not dickhead!) and I for the past 13 months and watch us be so sad and down all the time. Gee how we wish we were still the happy little family of three that wasn't torn apart. We also wish that you had've been able to meet our son before he left us, he was just so perfect, adorable and really cute like his father. Thank you all for being such true friends and standing by us through our bad days. We have sadly lost a few friends due to us not being the fun outgoing people we were, or they just don't know how to deal with it all or what to say so they just stay away. Hey there is nothing anyone can say to make us feel any worse than we already do. Here's to our great friends who have stood by us and supported us when we needed them the most. We are truly grateful and love you all dearly and we hope to have more and more good days ahead with you all in the future.

What A Weekend...

2006-05-29T08:54:00.000+10:00

Well how I wish I could rewind to Friday and start again. I had the worst weekend I've had for a very long time. Just when you think you are going ok life bites you on the backside again. I had a horrible day on Friday and then went to bed with a terrible headache and felt so sick that I could hardly turn my head without wanting to vomit from my new medication. Sat was the absolute pits. I started off ok and then it just kept getting worse and worse. Firstly I was late for my hair appt (I thought it was 11am and Monique called me at 10.40am to see where I was as my appt was 10.30am!) then I raced to town and got there just on 11am. I waited while she finished the lady beside me who when I looked at her after around 10 mins realised it was the midwife that had been with me from 8am until 3.30pm the day Luke was born. That was tough, she was the last person that has seen me truly happy. Then it got worse, she kept talking about babies, maternity leave, blah blah blah and the tears were welling up in my eyes and I just wanted to get up and leave the salon. Then her husband rings to say that their baby girl wouldn't settle and he was bringing her in - great! I had to sit and witness him coming in and then Monique moved her so that she could feed their baby. Then instead of getting my free hair colour I had to pay as they don't do the free ones on Sat's. Then I got a parking ticket. I sat in my car and cried for about 30 minutes. I decided to go for a drive to calm down a bit and ended up out the back of St Leonards somewhere. Then my friend Katrina called to say that vandals had hit our boys' graves' again!!! This time they took another crystal from us. Enough is enough already. I went to the cemetery to check everything else in place, it was. Went to a jewellery party and enjoyed a much needed glass of red. Then I went to the footy to meet up with DH. We ended up at the pub for a quick counter meal and after we got home I spoke to my friend MS and she gave me the news that she had delivered a baby boy. Happy for them, so sad for us. 99% of my friends have had baby boys since we lost Luke, just another kick in the guts. Cried my eyes out for hours wondering what the f#$k I have done to deserve this. Sunday DH and I went to the market to see if the sicko's that had been stealing from us were sick enough to re-sell our things. Thankfully they weren't on any tables for sale. As you can see I don't want to relive that one anytime too soon. I guess that I thought things would get easier after the 12 month anniversary. If anything it feels like it is getting worse. Too hard.

Vandals Strike Again...

2006-05-24T08:24:00.000+10:00

How my heart breaks and my fists clench when we go to visit our little Luke's grave and find more of our precious gifts we have purchased for our son have been stolen. Around two weeks ago we had a lovely night out to dinner with friends and we ended up at Family Fun where we spotted a Scooby Doo soft toy and we had to have it. You see when we first fell pregnant DH and I were regular visitors to markets, something we have not been able to do since. We loved markets, every chance we could we would go to one. We found a Scooby Doo soft toy and a Goofy soft toy for 20c each at the same stall at the Evandale Market on two separate occasions. We had to get them for our unborn childs nursery. Nine months later when Luke was buried we knew straight away that those two toys were the ones that we would place at the cemetery and they have been there from day one. Well this night out two weeks ago, we decided that we could replace the old Scooby that had faded terribly with the new one if we could win enough tickets at Family Fun. Well we all got into it, racing each other on horses, basketball hoops, car races, punching comp's...heaps of innocent fun and we got enough tickets to take the new improved Scooby home that night as well as a gorgeous Eeyore soft toy which we could also swap over from faded Goofy. The next day we took away the faded soft toys which was sad in itself as they were his official first toys and placed the new ones in their spot. We put meat skewers through their legs and pushed them deep into the dirt to avoid the wind or anything else whisking them away. Well last night we got to the cemetery after work and low and behold both of them had been taken, skewers and all. Everything else was still in it's place. How angry were we. DH searched the surrounding area and also the bush behind the cemetery but there was no sign. The people that do this must be the most evil, heartless people on earth. I hope they can live with their sins. It's not so much the fact that they have taken the toys, they are material things at the end of the day. It is the fact that they have been near our boy, standing on top of his grave and doing such bad things and we weren't there to protect him.

Tough times...

2006-05-23T15:08:00.000+10:00

Why on earth do some people have to suffer so much heartache and others breeze through life without many hassles at all? I still believe it should be a reward system. Good people have good things happen and the bad people suffer the bad things. Why this isn't the case I have no idea. Makes sense to me. Two of my dear friends are hurting and I can't help them and that breaks my heart too. My DH is still hurting so much from losing our son and I can't help him. I am still suffering the same loss as well as enduring relationship stress and I can't seem to help that much either. It is all too hard sometimes and you wonder why even bother. On a brighter note, my specialist gave us some more insight to what is going on with my tumour today and DH and I feel a lot happier with what we know now. I start new treatment tomorrow and fingers crossed this won't make me as sick as the current treatment does. Some positive news for a change. Bring on Friday. This working is over-ratted.

Survived...

2006-05-15T09:43:00.000+10:00

Well I survived another Mothers Day. It was tough work this year as last year I was still in shock and living on another planet - but as usual I tried not to think too hard. It is so much easier when you lock your feelings in your toes. D brought me a lovely gift from Bubby Luke and wrote the most beautiful words in the card which made me cry. I tried not to get too upset though as my mother in-law was staying so I kept it to myself most of the day and just pottered around by myself staying out of the way. I was given some knee length pink ug-boots and a pink and white coffee mug that has "yummy mummy" on the side. I really appreciated the thought and care that D put into my present and it is also nice that he still considers me to be yummy too. I truly don't know what or how to feel sometimes, yes I am a mum but where is my child, not with me, so no I'm not a mum. Too hard. We had a lovely afternoon with our families and went out for dinner at the local pub and I was so pleased when we got there that we weren't surrounded by too many people and there were no babies anywhere to be seen. That would've been too hard for me.

Numb...

2006-05-12T11:31:00.000+10:00

You go through so many emotions when you grieve, at the moment I am just numb. I feel bad because I am not sad and I am not angry with anything. I can't cry either, I am just numb. I think I have just pushed my feelings down so deep at the moment so that I will stop hurting for now. I have another hurtful weekend coming up with Mothers Day on Sunday. I think last year I didn't try to begin to think about the years ahead on Mothers Day's as we just didn't ackowledge it at all last year. I know I am a mum and that I gave birth to our little boy and held him for two days in the physical world and will continue to hold him forever in my heart - but I can't help but think what people will think when we go out for tea on Sunday night with our mums. People will think that Drew and I are just taking our mums out for Mothers Day and not think that I am also a mum too as our son won't be with us. It is so cruel. Sometimes I questions whether I am a mum as I am not looking after anyone so I'm not really but then I think about Luke and know that I surely am his mum. Bring on Monday.

Peaceful Weekend

2006-05-08T15:50:00.000+10:00

Well I am pleased to say I had a lovely fight-free peaceful weekend just gone. We spent lots of quality time together just enjoying each others company as well as some much needed alone time and basically tried not to think too deeply about our past twelve months. We went out for dinner with our wonderful friends on Sat night and had heaps of fun at Family Fun on the way home, we watched some TV, we pottered around the house getting jobs done and even managed to complete the huge job of installing a doggie door without murdering each other even though I stuffed up the instructions. Here's to many more weekends and days ahead the same. I know we will get there, it just seems so far away and too hard when we are at our lowest.

Flat and Alone...

2006-05-03T15:53:00.000+10:00

Flat and alone are about the best words to some up my feelings at the moment. Drew and I are are living in two different universes at present and we seem to clash at every chance possible. I know this doesn't reflect our feelings for each other it is just the pressure of our new lives. I also feel like I must be such a bad friend and horrible to be around as I don't hear from many people anymore. I know it is a two way street and that I can pick up the phone too but then I think well people obviously aren't calling me for a reason so I had better not call them. So I just sit at home feeling alone with my husband cross with me most of the time for dumb things I have said or he has taken the wrong way. It shouldn't be like this and that is the most frustrating part I think. My life has gone from being the happiest lady about to expect their first child with anxiety and anticipation and into an unknown world to a life where I just don't know where I fit anymore. I am a mum but I'm not a mum. I don't want to be working with computers and peoples financial figures, I want to be home playing and teaching my little boy things. That I will never come to terms with. I hope I start to feel whole and loved by my family and friends again soon.

Angry....

2006-04-30T15:51:00.000+10:00

Gee I feel so lost today. It is like I don't know what to do anymore. I snap at DH, growl at Cocky, Nipper and Gizmo. Don't know what is going on. I just feel so angry today like yeah I know the world keeps going and I have to do this and get this done before Monday as I am back to work again and then I go into the unfair world and think that I shouldn't be going to work etc. etc. blah blah, same old, same old. Nothing seems to really matter but then the smallest things get me really crapped off. Go figure. I had the most wonderful experience yesterday when I went to have a spiritual healing done and I went in with no expectations and when the lady was finished she asked me if I had a miscarriage recently, I said that I had one about 6 years ago but last year we lost a baby at 2 days of age. She said that she had received a message from a "son spirit" and it was saying "mummy". I was blown away and the tears just started flowing and I was so pleased that my little man had let me know that he was ok. I do miss him so much and would do anything to see his little chest breathing up and down while he was in my arms again. To shatter my nice feelings we get a phone call this morning from a friend saying that the cemetery had been vandalised again and that hooligans had taken things off Lukes' grave that his grandmother had bought for him. How bloody angry were we all. How low must these people be to take special precious items off peoples babies graves. I hope their fingers drop off. Other people had things broken and they had also left empty vodka bottles and shredded paper all over the ground and tried to light a fire in a nearby garbage bin. Some people just have no idea. I think that is what has put me in such a fine mood today. Wish I could catch them in the act, then they wouldn't know what had hit them. Grrrrrrr......

New beginnings..

2006-04-25T12:48:00.000+10:00

Well all of our 'firsts' are over now. We have had to experience everything a year can present without our son. Hopefully we can now move forward and learn to live with our loss and start to look forward to a brighter future. Our son's birthday was on Saturday and we took out some gorgeous balloons in a cupcake and a new jack russell soft toy. We sang him happy birthday and then we sat with him for a while just to reflect on the past twelve months. That day was a long day and we had many phone calls, text messages, flowers delivered, visitors, emails sent and presents left at the cemetery for Luke. It is lovely to have such supportive friends and family. Then you think of the down side of this period and how it should have been oh so different and that everyone should've been here for a real birthday party with kids running around and Luke sitting at the head of the table with his party hat on and his birthday cake that I had slaved over sitting in front of him with icing all over his face posing for a photo. Yesterday was the anniversary of his last day and we really struggled with the memories of this day we spent in Melbourne. Drew and I looked at the photos together and then I fought all day not to cry and I was scared if I started crying I wouldn't stop. We survived the day and I am sure we will survive each day in the future as we have no choice. What else can we do. If crying or being sad brought him back he would be here with us again already. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow as I still struggle with that, just the fact that I should be home looking after our little man and experiencing new things every day. It will never be fair or justified.

Why?

2006-04-20T18:50:00.000+10:00

Why is such a powerful word. I have spent a lovely day with my friend today who has been to hell and back so many times and why seemed to pop up in our conversation so many times. Even though she has been through so much in the past two years, she is such an inspiration to me and helps me deal with my grief even though she is suffering so much more grief than I could ever imagine. I hope that our friendship will be a strong and unconditional one that lasts forever and that we give each other the love and support that each of us may need. Back to this "Why" word. So many times have we used it, why us, why Luke, why them, why didn't we know, why didn't we do this, why didn't we find out earlier, why can other people who don't deserve their children have them, why can rapists and murders have children, why do people who only want to have babies to get the money fall pregnant.....so many whys? The world is full of so many unanswered questions that we will never know the answers to. We are coming up to the birthday of our little boy Luke this Saturday and I have so many emotions running through my body. I shouldn't be trying to find a cupcake candle to place at his graveside- I should be deciding who to invite to his birthday party, what to buy him and what sort of fancy cake I am going to bake for him. Then it goes to what I was up to this time last year. I remember sitting in his room in the rocking chair that I had ready for breastfeeding and just crying and sobbing for hours upon hours....not really knowing why I was crying. I thought it was nerves and anxiety, maybe it was mothers intuition and deep down I knew something was wrong....another unanswered question. I would be going into hospital tomorrow this time last year ready to be induced.... so sad.

Bittersweet Moment...

2006-04-11T10:27:00.000+10:00

For the past 9 days I have been sweating that my period was late, but mother nature must have smiled on me for a change and just as I was heading to my doctor this morning I was greeted with my monthly friend. When I had finally plucked up the courage to tell Drew that my period had arrived he got upset, I am still not exactly sure why he got upset. I guess he thinks that by me being pregnant without trying takes a lot of pressure of us and we would be softly forced into learning to deal with our grief. I personally was pleased that my period arrived as I want to make sure that I have done everything possible to make sure I have not done anything which might risk losing another child. If something bad does happens when we do try again then so be it but at least I can rest easy knowing that I didn't cause the loss. I also want to make sure that my tumor is under control which it isn't at the moment so yes it was a bittersweet moment for me this morning. I know we will be and deserve to be parents to living children one day but gee it is going to be a scary time for us when it does happen. So many emotions to experience. Now I just have to wait until 23rd May to see my specialist and go from there before thinking about this again...hopefully!

First visit...

2006-04-08T09:45:00.000+10:00

Well I finally faced my fears last night and visited a friend who had her baby girl 6 weeks after our son was born. I have been in touch with my friend via the phone and email but not been able to meet her new baby due to the constant reminder of what size my little man would be now. It also really hurts to see other people have this bond and be with their children when we were denied every precious moment with our son. The visit went well I guess, Bianca was in bed when I first got there so that was nice as it gave me a few minutes to take in everything and speak to Audra one on one until the crys started. My lungs were closing up and the oxygen didn't seem to want to go there at all. When Audra came back with Bianca I didn't know what to do first, look away, stare at her features, cry, laugh, or just get up and leave. Biance was a sweet little thing and wouldn't leave me alone. When I decided to leave Audra and Bianca walked me out and just as I turned to say goodbye for the final time, just above Audra's head was a beautiful rainbow and that brought me undone as it was like our little boy from heaven was saying hi mum, well done, I am so proud of you. I couldn't get in car quick enough and drove off before the tears started to fall as I didn't want Audra to know how upset I really was. I cried all the way home and was pleased in a way that I had pushed myself to do that but also so sad as I now know what I should be experiencing with our son. When is it ever going to be fair or easy to live with, that I will never know.

When does the pain go away?

2006-04-07T12:12:00.000+10:00

Hi,
This is my first post. My dear friend introduced me to this "blogging" business and I will see if it helps us in anyway just by being able to write our feelings down. Our son Luke was born on 22nd April 2005 after being induced at 42 weeks. He wasn't well and the doctors weren't exactly sure what was going on. We ended up flying to Melbourne with Luke and the specialists found that he was the 10th baby recorded in Australia with a rare condition called Vein of Galen Malformation and his condition was so bad that there was nothing we could do to help him. We were devastated as we had to make the decision of when to turn off the machines that were keeping him alive. How do you make that decision! We finally had enough of seeing him suffer and we told the nurses of our concern for him and then they took us into a special room and left us to hold him in our arms until he took his last breaths just two short days later. How do you ever get over that feeling and the feelings of anger, guilt, gut-wrenching sadness, blame, longing, resentment and many many more feelings that follow his death. We will continue to make posts and hopefully this will help us ride this rollercoaster.